Why Hold On

I often forget just how much of a pack rat I am. This is easy to do as I live in a small NYC apartment and keeping it free of the appearance of clutter is foremost on my mind. Therefore, everything is neatly tucked away in folders and boxes. Because I don't see it, I often forget I have it. 

While looking for a document from '04 (I found it!), I came across a picture of the last man I loved taken of him the day we met; a card said loved man gave me explaining in writing what he could never verbalize; writing samples and press clippings from college; greeting cards given to me over the years by loved ones, as well as cards I bought and never gave out; tax and banking records from eons ago; my high school diploma and college degree; the registration papers for Paul (those of you who've rocked with me since '96, you have fond memories of Paul too); manuals and warranties; and a host of other papers and photos. 

Why do I keep them? Is it healthy to hold onto memories of failed relationships or notebooks containing goals you neglected to attain? What's to be gained from going through these things? And if you never look back on them, what's the point of keeping them? 

I found pictures that the entire Kindergarten class of a Baltimore charter school drew for me, as well as the card the 5th grade girls bought and signed for me. I hold on to these because they remind me of a time when I was truly fulfilled by a job that I went to everyday with a smile. I keep the letters and cards from family and friends because they remind that people love me and my milestones are important enough to them to acknowledge.  The pictures help my mind recall the details that I sometimes forget like it seems that every member of my family has a smile that whenever I see it (in person or on film) always makes me smile. The invite and pictures to the nuptials of a friend that I missed remind me of my past irresponsibility. 

There was a time when I'd dig through this box and feel homesick, lonely, depressed, stagnant, and any other negative emotion one could muster. But tonight, I realized an even more powerful emotion to be associated with these things: growth! I was thankful for the memories, kind and unkind. I'd gotten older and wiser since last I rummaged through that box. When I saw the pictures of the lost love that I used to lament over, I thought of the advice Cajun Spice once gave me, "If this guy made you feel that great, just imagine how much happier you'll feel when you meet the man God has for you!" Pictures of Bowler Boy remind me of how silly he is (I own no picture where he isn't "in character"). I realized that I'm no longer looking at the past and wishing the good 'ole bad days were still here. I'm more confident that delightful and maybe even not so delightful memories will come, but I'll be able to take either in stride. 

There were things I came across in the box that I was rather ambivalent about. I couldn't register any level of growth from the last time I saw them. But hey, I didn't break out into tears. I'll take that. Many of the items could really be tossed. Yet with all the growth, I still found them hard to get rid of. Why is this? Am I the only one with this condition? 

Surely, I can't be.