My dating life is at present time as dead as the late great Tupac, but it will soon be resurrected just as he was. I have faith in this belief because Mr. Shakur was recently seen at a Lil Wayne concert. Through the years I’ve been on dates with men who thought they could become millionaires by picking an at-home business from a magazine while seated in a restaurant in the shape of a giant ship, were surprised when they realized Maryland Crab soup was served with actual crab, potentially tried to recruit me for their internet porn venture (I promise I wasn’t aware of this prior to the date), pulled over in traffic to chase down a pedestrian who had bumped his car while he was blocking the box, and sadly, the list could go on. The point being, I’ve been on more than my fair share of dubious dates. The common denominator: ME!!
This begs the question: What have been my standards for dating? It’s important that I answer this because as I move through dating in my 30’s, I’ll dig out my eyes with rusty ice cream scoopers before I repeat any of the doomed dates from my 20’s. In his new book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” Steve Harvey suggests that the reason most women are having problems dating is because we have lowered the bar men must hurdle over to win out affections. Great! It’s my fault!! Men have rotten table manners, questionable hygiene, player attitudes, and all-around jacked up views on dating and its all the woman’s fault?!
Actually, yes it is. In the recent issue of Black Enterprise magazine (pick up the April issue the cover story is written by a brilliant woman) a corporate executive talks about his organization’s brand and why standards are important to the brand. He says, “Standards are a baseline for performance, it’s the very minimum that (people) would expect us to perform and achieve for them.” Now if you already viewed standards as a baseline – or as I see it, a bare minimum – then good for you. I’ll mail you two gold stars and a Chico Stick! I, rather unfortunately, hadn’t. That would explain most of my dates. I’d say a good 90% of them.
The idea of standards if not foreign to me nor is it something that I don’t think about. But there seemed to be a disconnect between knowing it and implementing it. I brought the matter up with Cajun Spice today and she told me that she viewed the standard as being her ideal man. The ideal man was the standard? My problem with that concept was if a standard is a baseline for performance, my ideal man couldn’t be a baseline. If I’m gonna fantasize about a man he better be the ultimate Mandingo! But even if I allowed myself to buy into that notion, how did my comparisons of my ideal man hold up to the guys I actually went out with?
I’ll tell you how…POORLY!! The reason being, for most of my 20’s I viewed dating as a hobby. I didn’t care if I settled down and I went out with whomever I thought I’d have the most fun with. So what if there was no chance in hell I’d ever take him to Louisiana to meet my family? He was a distraction from my routine and a chance to try a new restaurant, even if it was in the shape of a 15-story ship. These dates made for entertaining stories and reasons to be all the more joyful when I finally meet Mr. Right.
Bottom line, I had not enforced any sort of standard at all. I had suffered through countless dates in which I thought, “Is the salmon really this good that I should put up with him?” In most cases, no. But it wasn’t just me. In conversations over the years with friends, other smart women confessed to not all the time enforcing a standard on some level as well. Sure many had their non-negotiables, but they were still folding on some things and not in the name of healthy compromise either.
So here’s the deal. I see standards as a bit of an insurance policy. No one can guarantee that you never end up with a broken heart or frustrated nights because the man in your life forgot something that was important to you or just didn’t listen when you were trying to explain something deeply meaningful, but your standards can protect from a lot of other things. If I had been strict about standards, when I got dressed for a sexy night on the town and one date called to say he was in the middle of a crap game in the basement and that meant he would be late, I’d have said, “Don’t worry about it. The date is off.” I would have then contracted a sudden ear infection that only bothered me when he called.
Every amusement park in the world has standards. To get on a roller coaster there is usually a sign somewhere nearby that says, “You have to be this tall to ride this ride.” That sign is there so you don’t waste your time approaching the attendant to get on and to protect you from getting hurt. I’m going to spend more time thinking about what my ride requirements are for the resurrected dating life I’m about to have.
I’d love to hear what are some of the requirements for other ladies. Let’s ruminate!
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